what i miss the most

i loved living in winnipeg. i am absolutely a farm girl, and i ache for the open fields and 4-legged companions i've always known. there are pieces of my heart spread all over the place, in different towns, in different churches and schools and on a certain lake in central AB. but more than anything, i miss Strathmore.
it's bizarre to be here, at 22, and wonder if the best job I will ever have has already ended. I absolutely loved my work for CBC, it so well suited my gifts, my passions, my heart. I loved conversing with people all over North America on a daily basis, I enjoyed the relationships I established with the students who were so much more than just a picture on my potential student board. We had a phenomenal team, even as it changed and evolved, i was humbled by those whose offices shared the same halls as mine, i was encouraged and loved and mentored daily. There was an encouragement to embrace the relationships i had established, and i was always having coffee with current students, or having them over to hang out in my basement. i had incredible roommates, and our house had the most fantastic kitchen i have ever known. it was a pleasure to bake in there! we had weekly CBC-I meetings, secretively titled 'economic summits' where we sat round with Rocky's Donuts and coffee and talked about our lives, and our ministry, and always closed in beautiful moments of corporate prayer. there was a great legacy to the ministry we were invested in, and there were always students interested in what we did and who we were. i miss my 'american accent', phone calls from Opal, understanding and relating so well to Shauna, having an office with a window seat, Jo's soups, coffee with the staff at 10 and hearing daily worship at 11am.
i know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, but for the last 13+ months, i've struggled with this. accepting the demise of CBC has long since happened for me, learning to maintain my relationships in a different way has slowly worked itself out, i'm happy and content in Edmonton. but there is an ache in me, an ache for that sense of purpose, of knowing that work i'm doing is important. but i am coming to see this as a good thing too, with it comes a drive not to settle for mediocrity, to discover venues where I am thru which i can be of benefit to Kingdom work.
even still, there are days, like today, when i wonder if the best job i will already have was the one that lasted for 16 months, and started a week after my 20th birthday. and, if it did, i am ever so incredibly blessed so have had those 16 months, to have shared my days with those people. And on days like to day, i'm glad for that emotional, and to be honest slightly awkward meeting at the final commencement, and the CBC board who presented us each resolutions. i will always carry inside of me that desire to be more, to do more, to work for and with a purpose, and for that i am deeply appreciative.
i know i'm convoluted. i imagine most of this doesnt make sense, but kristina said i suck for not updating, and this is what has been on my mind today, as i go about exam week, and study my hours away.

tonight

tonight i went quadding thru 4 different sections of field. and it was epic. the stars were bright, the ground was hard, the creeks were frozen. and it was glorious.
i love moments like that, in the midst of ridiculously busy weeks, to disappear to the middle of nowhere and let some energy loose in the middle of silence. it's lovely. we turned the engine off and sat up on a creek bank, just watching the stars. it's good to be reminded that the world is so much bigger than i allow it to be most days, and that there is much beauty around me, when i let myself notice it. outside is good for my soul. catwalking up hills is a good stress reliever.
yeah.

encounters

i love when my worlds collide. well, usually i love it.
last night i was headed to red deer, for an evening of twostepping with some of my girls, we stopped at sev-elev in leduc for some beaver-buzz, these energy drinks that we love. iknow energy drinks are the devil, but they have these grapefruit ones that are delightful. i digress. so as i'm paying at the counter, in my cowboy hat, with 3 other similarly dressed girls, in walks jonathan drebert. so with my energy drinks in hand, and dressed like the alberta farm girl i am, i proceed to have a conversation with jon about camp and his kids and then stop at the car to talk to tahra and see the sleeping babies. it was random, and crazy. but fun. fun to be two people i very much am at the exact same time, good to realize anew that who i am is congruent, generally speaking. and thats a pleasant realization.

just thinking...

so kyra's post really made me think. back when i used to blog over at xanga, and keep up with it alot more intentionally, i closed many blogs by saying '...may you find joy in face of day to day living...' i wish i lived into those words far better than i do.
there are many beautiful things in these days, but this is also a bizarre age to be. so many girls my age are getting married and having babies and buying homes, and being far more adult than i am. some days, that's frustrating. i'm in my parents basement, the only thing of value i own is a car, i can't seem to figure out dating, let alone fathom a relationship that will lead to marriage. and there are ZERO babies on my horizon for a long while to come. largely to do with the inability to even fathom marriage... haha. i can barely afford my car payments most month, let alone even consider a home. i feel like maybe i'm still stuck in my teenage years, like i should be more 'mature' than i am. and then i realize how much i cherish these days. i love the freedom to pick up and go wherever i want, whenever i want. i love that i can embrace these 'gypsy feet' that lead me hither and tither. i've met alot of great people this year in edmonton, and i'm enjoying building relationships with them. i love my church, and i'm enjoying school. these are good days, and i need to remember that more. i can't just live for tomorrow, and as a Disciple, i ought'n't live for tomorrow. i need to be living in these moments, living as I believe Jesus is calling me to live, to embrace my situation and circumstance and seek the ways that i can love and live and learn and laugh in each moment.
i do love these days, and i'm mostly denying myself a bounty of joy when i long for the days still to come. a healthy perspective of future is good, but living for the future is not. this is a good life stage. 22 is an age which i am greatly enjoying. my family is well and full of laughter. my friends are wonderful souls that are ever causing me to love them more. these are good days. and i want to look back on them fondly, knowing that i lived them the best i could, and gave to them all that i could. i can't ask more of myself than that.
so this is most likely incoherent, but it's what's floating 'round my head tonight, so since i'm procrastinating, you get to hear about it! lucky you...

and i'm off...

free from school for a week, i'm off to winnipeg, and points in between, for the next 5 days, then home to assist with leading the annual excursion from Strathmore to Edmonton that Hope Community Covenant takes around a hundred and some youth on, so that should be a solid 3 day experience of exhaustion following my Winnipeg adventure!
Manitoba is calling my name, and i'm eager to behold her beauty once again...

The Widman Family

Okay, having read this message on Bret's facebook, I find posting twice in one day quite acceptable... and the some. Anyways, here are Bret's words:

This past 6 days have been intense. We took Madeline in for a CT scan after she had been hit on the temple as a result of a Wii competition. Well, she got a bump that continued to swell for 4 weeks. The result showed a crack in her skull and we were told, "Take these CT results, pick up your girl, and get to an ER and ask for a neurosurgeon. That was last Wednesday. Well, after MRI's, bone xrays, and surgery, we have discovered that Madeline has something she was born with called histiosytosis. I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but whatever. Anyway, it's more rare than leukimia, but not life threatening. She had surgery and now has a nasty 6 inch long scar on her left side...we haven't counted the stitches yet. She will now need some treatment after this surgery and some chemo pills (easy ones, no serious stuff). Please, pray that the final outcome of all this is that Madeline is fine. The test results are good and the oncologist was elated the news was good. We just got this news an hour ago and are finally home after being in the hospital for 5 days. We're wiped out, have no energy, and are fairly numb. When she was wheeled into surgery, we felt our life sucked out of us. Please pass this on to others that know us. Pray for complete recovery and that the treatment she receives will be all she needs. Thanks

more random

i love that we all lead such varied lives, that we are all so unique, and yet that God can bind us together for his purpose and create beautiful community amongst us. this has always astounded me. perhaps it's because i'm slightly more 'weird' than many in the traditional evangelical circles i grew up in, perhaps it's because i worked at camp where i felt free to ask my questions and engage in theological debate from my early teenage years. whatever the combination of things that has lead me to where i stand today may be, i am incredibly greatful for it. just as i am ever so greatful for the people who have influenced my life this far, for better or for worse, they have helped to define the woman that i am becoming, and whom i am confident being.


i don't understand why people abuse emergency services. is it because we lack human contact so deeply that we must call for an ambulance in the middle of the night so that someone will take care of us? obviously, if you're sick or injured, it's legit, but wow, some of the reasons i have learned of people calling an ambulance are astounding to me. yet alongside of that, i have heard some of the most moving, some of the most graphic, some of the most beautiful, some of the most horrific; stories of mylife in the past month. i cannot fathom working in the emergency services, i could cry just hearing the stories, i can't imagine walking thru them with the actual people. so demanding, yet so rewarding. i have a renewed respect and admiration for all doctors and nurses and police officers and fire fighters and paramedics and whomever else...

i'll be in winnipeg sometime on the 16th, and since 80% of you who read this are in winnipeg, save a hug and a beer/dance/coffee/bowling game/sporting event for me.

i have other, deeper, posts formulating in my head, always, but for today, they'll remain where they are, and stir 'round some more. perhaps they'll bring me back here later, and i'll share some of them with you.