i am

i am alot of things. i'm a girl, a girl who never uses capitals when writing colloquially, a student who never sticks with formal studies, a farm child who lives in the city. i'm the culmination of all my life experiences, the tragedies and moments of utter euphoria. we each are, there is a justification based on our life experiences for nearly every moment of our days, but that's a dignity i don't extend to other's as often as i ought.
if i hate driving in the city, because i have never known 'rush hour' before, and i despise it's reality in my life, what's to say that the aggressive driver to my right doesnt have an equally intrinsic reason for how he mans his vehicle? i am not picky to the point that i'm worse than a picky person, and i know it's annoying, but i can't seem to help it, but i'm the middle child of 5, i'm the peace maker, i hate conflict, so not having an opinion has always been safer. our personality and character are a direct result of our life experiences, its so simple, and i know it is true for me, so why, when i'm annoyed by another, do i not stop to wonder what caused this trait to take root in their life? the more i invest in another persons story, the more i understand why they are the way they are, the less the little nuances of their personality are an annoyance to me, they are a reminder to me that we are each created uniquely, that we are woven together with cords of different lengths and textures and colors. we may have encountered a similar spot in our individual stories, or even shared a corporate experience, but how that shaped us is not necessarily the same, how it has manifested itself in and thru us, may look incredibly different. i need to realize this, i need to allow this to take root in me, in my mind, in my heart.
if i expect others to not just take all of me at face value, there is absolutely no excuse for me to anticipate that others are less complex. we may be living a genuine life, but living a genuine life doesnt mean that we get to hand each individual we encounter a manuscript of our life story, so that they understand the motive and history behind our every action. this is clearly not a reality. this has been on my mind alot lately, if i claim to care about other people, if i claim to want to react to others in the manner that Jesus did, then i need to start to consciously realize that everyone has a story, a story that they almost certainly do not present in its entirety from the outset.
i am humbled by how incredibly short i fall, and yet i know that as i realize my shortcomings, He is rejoicing over me with His love, as i take the steps toward being more like the model of His son that i see presented to me. His grace astounds me. i pray it astounds you today as well.
i don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's been on my heart alot lately, and thus it's fairly stream of conscience, muddled and the like, but i make no apologies. i'm introspective, self depreciating, yet selfish... aren't all 'bloggers'? ha.

I went to CBC

Since I went to CBC during the tenure of Todd Slechta, I often find myself thinking random Jewish thoughts, quoting rabbis throughout my day, and listing off Biblical Postures and Principles in a cultish manner. Good times.
One of those that I most frequently reiterate is 'To experience true joy, you must first know true sorrow'. I take a lot of liberties with this, I put many opposite life experiences in the places of joy/sorrow.
Life is hard. Some days, excruciatingly so. I don't know if I'm always up to the challenge of the hardships of life, sometimes they overwhelm me, and I am called to be a person of hope. I cannot fathom walking thru this life without knowing the hope that I do, there is despair and harm in every corner. You can do your best to shield you and yours from it, and so many times, you still won't win the battle, isn't that a despairing thought? Yet, what is bizarre is that tho in a heartbeat I would choose not to have experienced many moments of my life, I am glad for the ways they have shaped me. I'm glad that I'm not a bubble person, I've seen to much crap in life to be a bubble person, and I have a wide array of unchurched friends and family and acquaintances who I don't think I would be given such depth of relationship with if I were one who did not deeply and intimately know sorrow and fear and pain. So in that way, I deeply appreciate the crap of life, it gives you an authority to speak into other lives, not because you can one up them, but because you are a person of grace, or trying to be a person of grace, who can say, I empathize, I don’t sympathize, I empathize.
And in these days, I need to remember that. I need to remember that I am called to be a person of grace, and that even when life is crappy, I need to act out of who I am called to be, not how I feel. I am called to love, to forgive, to be gracious, and yet to crave Justice. The Sermon on the Mount speaks with authority of this, that there is an example of character, that if I choose to claim to follow Jesus Christ, I need to follow. For He has loved me, He has called me according to His purpose, and even when I feel as tho I am free falling thru life, He holds me in the palm of his hand, which is more hopeful than seeking to put a positive spin on a free fall by relating it to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. (Why do I say such random crap? Oh my.)
You see, my parents have been separated for 4 months. In living a life that has been thru some horrible stretches, I have staked my confidence in the fact that I come from a functional family unit. That has been stripped away, and I am utterly humbled by the realization that truly, my confidence must be in Christ alone. No matter how high the pedestal I place people on, I cannot source my confidence from their example, it must stem from Christ. So daily, my prayer is that I will act in each moment out of who He has called me to be, and not how I feel. I am first and foremost the child of the One who exemplifies grace and love and joy and peace, and so when I am lacking those things, I can turn to Him, and He alone will sustain me.
I am well aware I’m far from the only one who lives thru crap in their life, and we all have our own variations of crap in our lives. It looks different, it affects us differently, but when it comes down to it, my prayer for each of us is that we act out of who we are called to be. That when we look back on these days, we will know that we walked thru them with grace, and that we were able to rely on He who has loved us and called us according to His purpose. Take courage in the knowledge that He is more than enough for you, that He can sustain you thru every circumstance and that He holds you in the palm of his hand. His love is overwhelmingly abundant, and when we posture ourselves to receive all that He longs to pour into us, even in the worst of times, we will be able to proclaim in confidence all the more boldly the truth of His love to those who surround us. And when it’s all laid out in the open, isn’t that who we are to be? People of love and grace, and who can steward not just their resources, but their lives and stories, successes and failures, with others, so that thru relationship with us, others can see and know the power of Christ’s redemption and love? For He is good, and His mercy endures for ever. Our lives are our best form of worship, and so, even still, amidst whatever life circumstances you are facing, my challenge to you, and to me, is that you let your life be your statement of worship.

Random

I've had the HNIC theme song as my cell phone ring for several years, and now, it's no longer the song of HNIC. Any suggestions for a replacement? Or should I be a diehard to the old school and stick with it? You can download Oilers specific ringtones, but those are less classy than the old school HNIC theme song, conjuring up memories of Don Cherry and his rad outfits and Foster Hewitt proclaiming that it's Hockey Night in Canada time. My heart is sad.

I work in a church. I like it. I'm volunteering with youth again. I like it. Life is so pattern based, I keep reliving the same experiences in different places. Interesting.

I wrote off a car. It was possibly the most humbling experience of my life, even tho it was deemed no fault. I realized my own humanity in a terrifying and humbling way. It's good to be alive.

Lessons.

I suppose that if I am going to pray for humility, I ought to expect to have humbling experiences. Foolishly, I prayed for humility and grace, and of late have been, both literally and figuratively, broadsided by occasions in which I realized with great depth the struggle to act based upon who I am called to be as a disciple of Christ, and not out of my emotional resevoir.

So for now, I will work on convincing myself that battlewounds are attractive, and slather my seatbelt and airbag burns in aloe cream in the hopes that i don't end up with wicked scarring.

Sometimes realizing your own mortality is great. Great in the sense that being utterly humbled is great.

round up.

it's been a while you could say.
i was at camp for 5 weeks. the weeks were good, the relationships rich, and the sunshine warm. all in all, it was good for my soul, and for my mind.
the outcome is this, i'm no longer a student of a formal institution, i'm working for a church here in Edmonton, ministry support stuff, aka i'm an executive assistant. pretty much it rocks, it pays well (ya Alliance churches), the people are enjoyable, and the work is both challenging and rewarding. plus, my direct supervisor is a basketball freak, can't go wrong with that.
this is succinct, but i dont really know how much of my heart to lay on the line is such a medium as this, suffice it to say life is hard, it throws some rough, rough curve balls, but in the end, i know WHO i am, and whom i serve, and that is always enough. God is God and I am not.

Ancient Words Ever True

I have a slightly odd passion, odd to the majority of those who surround me these days, at least. I'm passionate about the Bible, about people taking time every day to immerse themself in God's word, and about people reading the whole Bible in its entirety. It blows me away that this is a rare occurence, even in 'strong Christian communities', and it bothers me, deeply. I'm me, so it goes without saying that I'm incredibly far from perfect! I struggle to read my Bible with consistency, and as with anything, it's difficult to develop a habit that few people around you appear to be attempting to build as well. I'm incredibly thankful for those in my life who do exemplify a strong devotional foundation, their examples lead me to hunger for a deeper, more intimate connection with my Creator. Lately, I've had a burning desire to pass that along to those around me, and so, I challenge you to read the Bible every single day this month, if you don't already. Even if you just read what I've recently come to call the Proverb of the Day (there are 31), it's a good place to start, a good place to build from. In the fall, I'm getting a group togethr that will read thru the Bible in 6 months, and I'm trying to get it approved as a small group based out of the Sunday Evening church that I attend. If you want the materials I have for the 6monthplan let me know, or google it, there are a lot of them, also if you want to stay on track with my group when it starts, let me know.
My encouragement to you is this: Don't get discouraged because you have fallen behind, or have left off for a few days, God will take what we give Him and bless us for doing what we can, as we can. As we continue to be obedient to discipling ourselves to Him, He will continue to grow us deeper in Him, and build our foundation up. The more we take His admonishments to heart, the deeper our hunger for His wisdom will become. I believe those things to be true, and I hope you do too!
Friends, I like you. Thanks for being you.

PSA

i am going to vent now. I've been back in retail for a couple of months, I would just like to make a broad Public Service Announcement or two or two dozen, for all the random people who encounter this blog. Believe me, i have at least 10 stories for every statement i'm about to make. Many times per-day, I feel like asking an individual if they have ever gone shopping before, I'm telling you, when Don Cherry said 'common sense really isn't very common', he was spewing the most truthful words i've ever heard the man say. Anyways, here goes:
- if there are pens and tags in an area that carries bulk items, that's an indication that you need to bring the bin numbers with you to the till. not bringing these will result in you waiting while your cashier tracks down someone who can find them for you. this takes time.
- if you are in a hurry, taking a couple of seconds to ensure you have an item that has a barcode on it is a wise choice, otherwise, you will wait at the till while i get a sku from someone out on the floor. this takes time. this is not my fault, please don't yell at me.
- there is never, ever, ever an excuse for yelling at a cashier, or person on the floor. doing so, even if the individual is wrong, does not solve a single problem. i promise this to be true.
- cashiers do not set the prices. freaking out that an item is too expensive to a cashier solves nothing, absolutely nothing. if it's a chain store, go home and email the company. or at least state your case without yelling and swearing. please.
- let me just reiterate, there is no excuse for yelling at an employee. ever. why people think this solves anything is beyond me.
- if you are still shopping 10 minutes after a store is closed, you do not get to complain that there are not enough tills open. just be happy you weren't kicked out at close.
- this applies to albertans, alberta retail has an incredibly high turnover, and is very understaffed, this is not the fault of the people who do happen to work in retail. please do not swear at me because it took ten minutes for your stuff to get fork-lifted down, or that you had to wait in a line to pay for it. i showed up for work, it's not my fault that other people didn't. this is alberta people, alberta. we are so desperate for employees that we are flying people into fort mcmurray from everywhere we possibly can, obviously jobs making barely a third or less of what those jobs make are understaffed.
- when you swear at people, you look more foolish than they do.
- making innappropriate sexual references to a cashier at a hardware store is beyond unnecessary. we wear freaking vests that are massive for goodness sakes, we are not there to put up with your lack of self control, lets try to realize this, shall we?
- it is not my job to walk you to every item in a store, i am a cashier, this means i work at a till. do you ask your Safeway cashier to take you to the milk when there are a half dozen people in line behind you?
- if i ask you twice, but you ignored me, then you get mad at me for not bagging your stuff/taking your airmiles or what have you, please get over yourself.
- when the debit machines are down, no amount of yelling or swearing will bring them back. i promise. and if you think its an inconveniece for you, imagine how much i simply love telling people whose immediate response is to erupt unnecessarially at me.
- if you yell at me and i laugh at you, get over yourself. be glad i have a sense of humour and don't yell back. jobs like this are a dime a dozen in alberta, and i'm not going to be your personal venting outlet when i can walk next door and get the exact same job on the spot. thanks.
- if you complain that there are no carts in the store, and then complain that there are not enough cashiers because one of us is outside gathering the carts, then proceed to leave you cart in the middle of the parking lot, you are a fool.
- if you can't be bothered to extend the courtesy of passing your money/bank card etc to me, neither can i. so if you drop your money on my desk, i'll do the same with your change.
- acting like you are better than people gets you nowhere. you actually don't deserve more than the next guy, or a better deal than the next guy. get over yourself.
- yes i am a girl. yes i am capable of doing everything i do. yes i do know the difference between a 2x4 and a 2x6, spruce and pressure treated. and even tho i might be a farm kid, if i can lift it, and you are a healthy looking male, probably you should be able to too. standing there while i load your cart with twenty bags of concrete is ridiculous. and everybody but you knows it.
- its actually not my fault if your credit card is not approved. its either their's or yours, i'm a third party with no control. yelling at me solves nothing, if you are kind, i'll help you phone them to figure it out, if you yell and swear at me, you can kindly leave.
- if someone tells you you are out of line, you probably are. get over yourself.
- in closing, please realize that yelling, swearing, being rude in general, and making lewd remarks will not benefit you in life. being kind, correcting without attitude, and realizing that we are all human and all make mistakes will infact benefit you, and i will go out of my way to help you whenever i can.

man, i do love alberta. but seriously, people have serious egos in this city. and i swear, the next guy who yells at me just might get to see some of the irish and scottish that are in me. i'm kind to a fault most of the time, but seriously people, i am not okay with you standing there and yelling at me. if i was YOUR daughter, how would you like it if someone stood there and did the same to her? wow. so unnecessary i'm telling you.
i can't wait for camp.