somedays

sometimes i move too fast. sometimes i move to slow. sometimes i don't move at all.
life is bizarre, isn't it? we are so odd, running here and there, doing this and that, eating and sleeping, laughing and crying. living.
i continually find myself surprised with... me.
it's an odd place to be. 22. in my parents basement. going to school. working. dating. experiencing life. with facebook to fill everyone in on my day-today-exploits. oy vey.
but it's good too. i'm enjoying life. i'm living and learning much. i laugh often.
who knew i'd come back to alberta and go on more dates in 8 months than i did in 21 years? yeesh. but it's always leading somewhere. and where i'm settled now is a good place. it's a new place, a funny place, with lots of questions and uncertainties. but, once its on facebook there's no taking it back. it's good, just fast, and now slow, which would have been a smarter starting speed, but as i said, i'm ever learning and living. and as all things are, dating is an extention of that fact. he is good, and brings many smiles to my days, and keeps me sane. and is meeting my parents on tuesday.
school is good. i laugh, because, as shauna has found, i love accounting class. who knew?!?! the girls i'm closest to at school and i are all together again this semester, so that's enjoyable.
family is rewarding, thru whatever each day brings, it's rewarding. i'll be an auntie again in a month! truly exciting.
music is beauty. winter is wondrous. i love my farm adventures as much as, and some days more than, ever. life is good. God is good. there is much joy to be found in the face of day to day living. much learning to be had in the presence of a child. much grace to be seen in the eyes of a friend. and love abundant in those around me. i am blessed.


good thing, because when i was 18 i had 'one who is blessed' tattooed, in hebrew, on my body.

School

I'm just sitting here, taking a few last moments of freedom before i once again become engulfed in the world of higher education. 2.5 weeks was a short break, it seems. It was a good break, and many, wonderful times were had.
It's unfortunate that at this point, school is more of a means to an end than it is anything else, in my life. That makes it difficult to drag my butt to school 5 days a weeks, and to sit in the classroom and actually engage in what is going on around me. Unless what's going on around me is side conversation! ha. So, this semester, I hope to become more excited about school as a process, and not just getting it over with. I want to also enjoy this moment, not just let it pass by without taking the time to appreciate it.
The Canadian girl in me is rejoicing. Canada won the world juniors. And I'm learning hockey! I've picked up the hockey skates this winter, after having been on figure skates since I could walk, and I haven't fallen once! and last night my friend scott to me out to an outdoor rink in spruce and we passed a puck around and shot and i learned some defence. It's pretty rad. I'm pretty excited. I need to find hockey gloves that fit, because holding the stick is awkward when the fingers on the gloves are a solid inch longer than your own fingers. Eventually, I'm sure I will fall, but it was good times, and we are going again tonight! Dude, hockey is sweet.

A Swift Kick to the Shins

A friend recently said "i think i'm quite destined to be a spinster" and my immediate response was "believe me, i would rather have zero boy drama in my life than frustrating, ridiculous boy drama."
the more i think about that, the more true it becomes. i remember being 'single and then some' (thanks gav). and i didn't so much mind that, most of the time.
my return to alberta has been shrouded in boy drama from the outset, in many varied, and ridiculous forms. and the drama is wearying. it makes me not want to put myself out there anymore. after a while, first dates get monotonous, and all you want is a second date. to meet someone you actually want to get to know. and then that happens. and then the boy turns out to have insane commitment issues and disappears off the face off the earth after 3 months. good times.
i'm not angry. i'd rather know 3 months in than a year in. but so now, 3 weeks after the end of that. i'm back in the first date world. and, truth be told, its not all its cracked up to be. i truly cannot in good conscience turn down a genuine date offer, from someone that is putting themself out there to ask me, and i don't think its fair that i do, without good reason. and so i go, but generally find that although the conversation may be enjoyable, that i'm not interested in that second date.
to everything there is a season. you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your prince. yada yada yada. i wish i found comfort in cliches, but i do not. what i do derive strength from is that the cliches are there because many girls have been where i am now, and have eventually found their way thru.
i guess there's not much of a point to this. but it's what's on my mind most these days. and its the holidays, which means many conversations with those who you don't see too often, and lots of 'so... any men in your life' questions. not my favorite question to answer, i'll tell you that. haha. but that's how she goes this day.
i'm ever so very glad for good guy friends in my life. especially ones that ask if i want them to go hunt down the disappearing-off-the-face-of-the-earth-boy and teach him a lesson. and the ones that talk to me when i need to hear a boys perspective and give really really really good hugs. somedays, you just really need a good boy hug, and it changes the whole course of your day.
i'm sure its just as frustrating to be a boy in the dating game. i wish our society embraced honesty, and that we could all just be vulnerable and open, and safe in doing so. but that's not how it is. and at 22, i'm not jaded enough to stop putting myself out there. plus, i like meeting new people and making new friends, if nothing else. but i'm ever so very glad for the friends i do have!

tradition... (and other things)

In my head, the word tradition always sounds like it's being sung by Tevye on Fiddler on the Roof. Beauty!
I think that, obviously after the story central to Christmas, and it's reason for being, my favorite element of the holidays is tradition. The traditions that my family have are something that I delight in, and love experiencing year after year. Traditions are a wonderful thing, there is something intangible about those moments of repetitious behavior that bonds us together. For example, every Christmas morning we have my mom's 'easy cinnamon buns' and orange juice and sing happy birthday to Jesus. Silly? yes. But do I love it? absolutely.
My best Christmas story from this year:
My oldest sister is 7 months pregnant and currently on bedrest. She has a 3 year old, Owen. Saturday, my sister was staying at her mom's house, and Steve had Owen at his house. Steve needed a shower, so he left the door opening, figuring he could avoid any disasters. When he came out, he found that Owen had unwrapped every single gift under the tree. Every single one. And when Steve asked Owen why he had made that choice, Owen just looked up at him and said "But Daddy, it's Christmas time".
Isn't that wonderful? haha. I love it. So Steve rewrapped all of the gifts, and that story will live on for a long time to come.

And so it goes...

I'm having a hard time remebering that Christmas is a mere 2 weeks away. Less than 2 weeks away now, infact. Between now and then I have a few dozen hours of work at my two jobs, 5 exams, 2 final projects, 2 Saturdays of family affairs, a room that NEEDS reorganizing, and an immune system to kick into gear. It's not easy to remember all the mystery and wonder that fills this time of year, rather, it's far easier to get caught up in the school and work and familial obligations and gift buying and cleaning and decorating... but if I focus on those things, I do the greatest dis-service to myself. I'm the one who loses on all that He wishes to teach me in this season, I'll be the one who loses the wonder and mystery of Christmas morning for myself, the joy of remembering what it is exactly the Baby Jesus was born to do... so tonight, I'm remembering to remember, and while I'm at it, I figure one or two of you out there could use the reminder too.
Oh, and if you have the best dad gift ever idea, or even a half-assed one, please pass it along. I'm in dire need of inspiration...

decimate your inhibitions

somedays you get knocked to your knees, and when you're there, all you can do is pray. do you ever watch the news? read the papers? look at the people walking in your world? when i take the time to notice the people in my life, my heart starts to break, and when i start to think of all the pain and suffering in the world, my knees go weak. in this season of celebration, of love and family, of hope and joy, i wonder what my responsibility is in this world. it's certainly not in consumerism and ensuring my gift-wish-list truly encompasses all that i 'need' but cannot afford for myself. but it is in loving others, in caring for others, in allowing hope and joy to be evident in me.
i'm not to sure what that looks like, but i'm pretty sure that it doesn't look much like my life, and i'm pretty sure i'll never get it just right, which means i ought never to stop trying. trying to be better, to love better, to serve better, to give better... i so long to radiate with joy and love, to spread beauty where i go, to make the heart of my maker smile, knowing that i am bringing love and light and laughter to the lives of others. i long for that. and yet, i am bound, bound by what is expected of me, bound by who i am known to be, and what i believe i can and cannot accomplish. i am inhibited by my personal perceptions of who i am, by what i believe others percieve me to be, by the roles i feel define my personhood in my current context... and why do i allow these things to bind me?
if i believe that my hope and joy and love and peace are in striving to be more Jesus like, then i ought not to be bound by these things. i should do what i believe right, in each situation, but i often do not. these very things that bind me in a place of complacency are those things that keep me 'safe', that define me to my peers, that grant me acceptance in my context, that allow me to go without attracting overt negative attention. and so i allow them to bind me, and perhaps even find solace in their strongholds. what would it take to decimate these inhibitions? to be set free? nothing but the blood of Jesus, I am sure.
oh that i were faithful enough to trust...

j'adore la neige

however, there are aspects that come with the snow and freezing that i do not enjoy. mostly just two, how bitterly cold it truly can be, and the drivers. why is it that all of a sudden, when there is even a promise of snow in the air, people forget everything they ever learned about driving, and proceed to assume that the rest of us on the road have a death wish? i do not enjoy this. edmonton is famously horrendous for their winter drivers, and as the snow continues to fall, i understand how their reputation came to be. in truth, it's a disaster out there, and if i survive the winter with the jeep in tact, i will view this winter lived as a rousing success!
and now, to balance out my whining, the reasons why winter makes me smile. my mom makes home made apple cider and lets it simmer on the stove, filling our home with a delightful aroma, and my tummy with warm goodness. christmas trees and christmas lights. bundling up to go outside, i love winter clothes and mittens and ski pants and frolicking around in the snow. sledding and snowangel making. toques. rosy cheeks. and possibly most of all, skating.
enjoy the winter out there, the holidays are coming! drive safe, and pay extra attention to all the other people on the roads too!