there are many snapshots of life that i miss, that my heart craves to live out once again. hoisting a fgd at carlos, walking down portage just to feel the burn of the cold in my lungs and stopping at the fyxx on my way, working in a daycare with children whose smiles brought me such immense joy. sharing a home with 2 crazy flames fans, sharing a home with girls who loved gilmore girls and greys anatomy just as much as i. attending a church where i was welcome to step in and volunteer in any capacity i so desired, small group with bruce, and occasionally the letkemans too. working at camp all summer, making italian sodas at the eco, eating fried food from street vendors in ecuador, holding babies in an orphanage, meeting infants in their first days outside of the womb. witnessing the weddings of dear friends, 8 months of community in a bizarre and lifechanging format, eating CBC lunches everyday for more days than most get to, answering my rona phone to love songs from the boys in the yard. hockey in rockyford, being the daughter of a rodeo cowboy, riding a horse daily, farm chores, riding the bus 3+ hours per day, visiting the city on rare occasions.
i love living life, the randomness that it entails, i love going with the flow, having no unrelenting ties to anyone place, being able to let my gypsy feet dance on the whims that come their way. but i'm growing older, i'm craving more stability, more assuredness that i am in a place that i can uphold on my own in life. i'm wanting to develop strong, lasting, deeply rooted relationships, to become the woman i want to be when i grow up, not just wait for her to arrive. i think it's a good thing to be coming to this place, but its also scary. i've lived a life of little permanence, until i bought a car, i had nothing permanent that tied me to a person or place or thing, but i am tied to my well loved jeep, financially bound in obligation to it, there are people who make me want to stay in one place, to continue to invest in relationship with them. it's terrifying to grow up, i'm realizing, but it's also beautiful. i'm glad for the life i've been so blessed to lead thus far, and i'm excited for all that is still coming.
never the less, its a strange life place to be.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
i am
i am alot of things. i'm a girl, a girl who never uses capitals when writing colloquially, a student who never sticks with formal studies, a farm child who lives in the city. i'm the culmination of all my life experiences, the tragedies and moments of utter euphoria. we each are, there is a justification based on our life experiences for nearly every moment of our days, but that's a dignity i don't extend to other's as often as i ought.
if i hate driving in the city, because i have never known 'rush hour' before, and i despise it's reality in my life, what's to say that the aggressive driver to my right doesnt have an equally intrinsic reason for how he mans his vehicle? i am not picky to the point that i'm worse than a picky person, and i know it's annoying, but i can't seem to help it, but i'm the middle child of 5, i'm the peace maker, i hate conflict, so not having an opinion has always been safer. our personality and character are a direct result of our life experiences, its so simple, and i know it is true for me, so why, when i'm annoyed by another, do i not stop to wonder what caused this trait to take root in their life? the more i invest in another persons story, the more i understand why they are the way they are, the less the little nuances of their personality are an annoyance to me, they are a reminder to me that we are each created uniquely, that we are woven together with cords of different lengths and textures and colors. we may have encountered a similar spot in our individual stories, or even shared a corporate experience, but how that shaped us is not necessarily the same, how it has manifested itself in and thru us, may look incredibly different. i need to realize this, i need to allow this to take root in me, in my mind, in my heart.
if i expect others to not just take all of me at face value, there is absolutely no excuse for me to anticipate that others are less complex. we may be living a genuine life, but living a genuine life doesnt mean that we get to hand each individual we encounter a manuscript of our life story, so that they understand the motive and history behind our every action. this is clearly not a reality. this has been on my mind alot lately, if i claim to care about other people, if i claim to want to react to others in the manner that Jesus did, then i need to start to consciously realize that everyone has a story, a story that they almost certainly do not present in its entirety from the outset.
i am humbled by how incredibly short i fall, and yet i know that as i realize my shortcomings, He is rejoicing over me with His love, as i take the steps toward being more like the model of His son that i see presented to me. His grace astounds me. i pray it astounds you today as well.
i don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's been on my heart alot lately, and thus it's fairly stream of conscience, muddled and the like, but i make no apologies. i'm introspective, self depreciating, yet selfish... aren't all 'bloggers'? ha.
if i hate driving in the city, because i have never known 'rush hour' before, and i despise it's reality in my life, what's to say that the aggressive driver to my right doesnt have an equally intrinsic reason for how he mans his vehicle? i am not picky to the point that i'm worse than a picky person, and i know it's annoying, but i can't seem to help it, but i'm the middle child of 5, i'm the peace maker, i hate conflict, so not having an opinion has always been safer. our personality and character are a direct result of our life experiences, its so simple, and i know it is true for me, so why, when i'm annoyed by another, do i not stop to wonder what caused this trait to take root in their life? the more i invest in another persons story, the more i understand why they are the way they are, the less the little nuances of their personality are an annoyance to me, they are a reminder to me that we are each created uniquely, that we are woven together with cords of different lengths and textures and colors. we may have encountered a similar spot in our individual stories, or even shared a corporate experience, but how that shaped us is not necessarily the same, how it has manifested itself in and thru us, may look incredibly different. i need to realize this, i need to allow this to take root in me, in my mind, in my heart.
if i expect others to not just take all of me at face value, there is absolutely no excuse for me to anticipate that others are less complex. we may be living a genuine life, but living a genuine life doesnt mean that we get to hand each individual we encounter a manuscript of our life story, so that they understand the motive and history behind our every action. this is clearly not a reality. this has been on my mind alot lately, if i claim to care about other people, if i claim to want to react to others in the manner that Jesus did, then i need to start to consciously realize that everyone has a story, a story that they almost certainly do not present in its entirety from the outset.
i am humbled by how incredibly short i fall, and yet i know that as i realize my shortcomings, He is rejoicing over me with His love, as i take the steps toward being more like the model of His son that i see presented to me. His grace astounds me. i pray it astounds you today as well.
i don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's been on my heart alot lately, and thus it's fairly stream of conscience, muddled and the like, but i make no apologies. i'm introspective, self depreciating, yet selfish... aren't all 'bloggers'? ha.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)