it's Christmas time in the city.

this time of year is making me realize how much of myself falls short, and how little drive i have to really do a whole heck of a lot about it. i'm easily overwhelmed by how far i fall short of my delusional 'ideal woman', and so rather than figure out a more realistic 'ideal', and make life choices that direct me down that path, i tend to settle for lesser choices because they feel 'safe', which in the end isn't safe at all because there's little security in apathy ladden choices. i realize this sounds fairly over dramatic, and i don't mean all the time i'm walking around all 'woe is me, i'm bad at life', but i do long to be more, to do more, less and less i long to have more, which i think is a positive step. it's not that i dislike myself, generally, i think i'm an alright person, and i'm surrounded by phenomenal people in my life, on a variety of levels, but i still often feel that i fall quite short.
for example, i need sleep. i get sick when i lack sleep, i'd love to have more hours in a day to accomplish things, but if i with-hold sleep from myself for a few nights in a row, i'll quickly become too sick to function, and lose more productivity by getting sick than i would have by getting the sleep i need. this frustrates me, i'd rather have the time and not get sick, and i keep trying to convince myself i don't need 8 hours of sleep each night, but that always backfires.
and i'm atrocious at managing time, i continually underestimate the time needed to accomplish anything, which always sets me back, and i end up being obscenely late for things. i don't like being late, but it's become a habit that i can't seem to quite break free of.
and i don't want to become apathetic, but sometimes i'm overwhelmed by what i'm NOT and i forget to remember what i AM. and above all, what i am is loved. loved enough to make mis-steps, and mistakes in life, but to be encouraged to not drown in apathy, but to rather continue to pursue my own Pilgrim's Progress towards the Celestial City.
sometimes i just need a swift kick to the shins from life to make me remember that i am one among many, and that nothing i encounter in this life will be wholly unique to me, someone has walked this path before me. and i can overcome anything in this life, when i realize i can't overcome it alone, and when i'm willing to see what it is i need to overcome, and take the necessary steps to do so.
*************************************************************************************
i do so love Christmas. i love picking out gifts that i know people will enjoy/appreciate. i love the snow, the music, and the tastes. i love the trees in houses and the lights outside. i love the generosity of the season, and the excitement on children's faces. it's a great season, even when families are messy and in a time of financial turmoil, it's a beautiful season of hope, of love, of joy.

also, few things have ever made me love winter so much as satellite radio with a Christmas channel and heated seats to warm my tush when i get in the car. and it was such an easy, painfree trade, for even better mileage, a far more than fair buy out, and a sweet renogiation of payments over a shorter term, and a vehicle title in my own name. there are benefits to living in the only area to turn a profit in vehicle sales the last quarter.

anyways. this is my first update in over a month, and it's far too long, so i'll stop here.

ciao.

slowdancing and poetry

there are many snapshots of life that i miss, that my heart craves to live out once again. hoisting a fgd at carlos, walking down portage just to feel the burn of the cold in my lungs and stopping at the fyxx on my way, working in a daycare with children whose smiles brought me such immense joy. sharing a home with 2 crazy flames fans, sharing a home with girls who loved gilmore girls and greys anatomy just as much as i. attending a church where i was welcome to step in and volunteer in any capacity i so desired, small group with bruce, and occasionally the letkemans too. working at camp all summer, making italian sodas at the eco, eating fried food from street vendors in ecuador, holding babies in an orphanage, meeting infants in their first days outside of the womb. witnessing the weddings of dear friends, 8 months of community in a bizarre and lifechanging format, eating CBC lunches everyday for more days than most get to, answering my rona phone to love songs from the boys in the yard. hockey in rockyford, being the daughter of a rodeo cowboy, riding a horse daily, farm chores, riding the bus 3+ hours per day, visiting the city on rare occasions.
i love living life, the randomness that it entails, i love going with the flow, having no unrelenting ties to anyone place, being able to let my gypsy feet dance on the whims that come their way. but i'm growing older, i'm craving more stability, more assuredness that i am in a place that i can uphold on my own in life. i'm wanting to develop strong, lasting, deeply rooted relationships, to become the woman i want to be when i grow up, not just wait for her to arrive. i think it's a good thing to be coming to this place, but its also scary. i've lived a life of little permanence, until i bought a car, i had nothing permanent that tied me to a person or place or thing, but i am tied to my well loved jeep, financially bound in obligation to it, there are people who make me want to stay in one place, to continue to invest in relationship with them. it's terrifying to grow up, i'm realizing, but it's also beautiful. i'm glad for the life i've been so blessed to lead thus far, and i'm excited for all that is still coming.
never the less, its a strange life place to be.

i am

i am alot of things. i'm a girl, a girl who never uses capitals when writing colloquially, a student who never sticks with formal studies, a farm child who lives in the city. i'm the culmination of all my life experiences, the tragedies and moments of utter euphoria. we each are, there is a justification based on our life experiences for nearly every moment of our days, but that's a dignity i don't extend to other's as often as i ought.
if i hate driving in the city, because i have never known 'rush hour' before, and i despise it's reality in my life, what's to say that the aggressive driver to my right doesnt have an equally intrinsic reason for how he mans his vehicle? i am not picky to the point that i'm worse than a picky person, and i know it's annoying, but i can't seem to help it, but i'm the middle child of 5, i'm the peace maker, i hate conflict, so not having an opinion has always been safer. our personality and character are a direct result of our life experiences, its so simple, and i know it is true for me, so why, when i'm annoyed by another, do i not stop to wonder what caused this trait to take root in their life? the more i invest in another persons story, the more i understand why they are the way they are, the less the little nuances of their personality are an annoyance to me, they are a reminder to me that we are each created uniquely, that we are woven together with cords of different lengths and textures and colors. we may have encountered a similar spot in our individual stories, or even shared a corporate experience, but how that shaped us is not necessarily the same, how it has manifested itself in and thru us, may look incredibly different. i need to realize this, i need to allow this to take root in me, in my mind, in my heart.
if i expect others to not just take all of me at face value, there is absolutely no excuse for me to anticipate that others are less complex. we may be living a genuine life, but living a genuine life doesnt mean that we get to hand each individual we encounter a manuscript of our life story, so that they understand the motive and history behind our every action. this is clearly not a reality. this has been on my mind alot lately, if i claim to care about other people, if i claim to want to react to others in the manner that Jesus did, then i need to start to consciously realize that everyone has a story, a story that they almost certainly do not present in its entirety from the outset.
i am humbled by how incredibly short i fall, and yet i know that as i realize my shortcomings, He is rejoicing over me with His love, as i take the steps toward being more like the model of His son that i see presented to me. His grace astounds me. i pray it astounds you today as well.
i don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's been on my heart alot lately, and thus it's fairly stream of conscience, muddled and the like, but i make no apologies. i'm introspective, self depreciating, yet selfish... aren't all 'bloggers'? ha.

I went to CBC

Since I went to CBC during the tenure of Todd Slechta, I often find myself thinking random Jewish thoughts, quoting rabbis throughout my day, and listing off Biblical Postures and Principles in a cultish manner. Good times.
One of those that I most frequently reiterate is 'To experience true joy, you must first know true sorrow'. I take a lot of liberties with this, I put many opposite life experiences in the places of joy/sorrow.
Life is hard. Some days, excruciatingly so. I don't know if I'm always up to the challenge of the hardships of life, sometimes they overwhelm me, and I am called to be a person of hope. I cannot fathom walking thru this life without knowing the hope that I do, there is despair and harm in every corner. You can do your best to shield you and yours from it, and so many times, you still won't win the battle, isn't that a despairing thought? Yet, what is bizarre is that tho in a heartbeat I would choose not to have experienced many moments of my life, I am glad for the ways they have shaped me. I'm glad that I'm not a bubble person, I've seen to much crap in life to be a bubble person, and I have a wide array of unchurched friends and family and acquaintances who I don't think I would be given such depth of relationship with if I were one who did not deeply and intimately know sorrow and fear and pain. So in that way, I deeply appreciate the crap of life, it gives you an authority to speak into other lives, not because you can one up them, but because you are a person of grace, or trying to be a person of grace, who can say, I empathize, I don’t sympathize, I empathize.
And in these days, I need to remember that. I need to remember that I am called to be a person of grace, and that even when life is crappy, I need to act out of who I am called to be, not how I feel. I am called to love, to forgive, to be gracious, and yet to crave Justice. The Sermon on the Mount speaks with authority of this, that there is an example of character, that if I choose to claim to follow Jesus Christ, I need to follow. For He has loved me, He has called me according to His purpose, and even when I feel as tho I am free falling thru life, He holds me in the palm of his hand, which is more hopeful than seeking to put a positive spin on a free fall by relating it to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. (Why do I say such random crap? Oh my.)
You see, my parents have been separated for 4 months. In living a life that has been thru some horrible stretches, I have staked my confidence in the fact that I come from a functional family unit. That has been stripped away, and I am utterly humbled by the realization that truly, my confidence must be in Christ alone. No matter how high the pedestal I place people on, I cannot source my confidence from their example, it must stem from Christ. So daily, my prayer is that I will act in each moment out of who He has called me to be, and not how I feel. I am first and foremost the child of the One who exemplifies grace and love and joy and peace, and so when I am lacking those things, I can turn to Him, and He alone will sustain me.
I am well aware I’m far from the only one who lives thru crap in their life, and we all have our own variations of crap in our lives. It looks different, it affects us differently, but when it comes down to it, my prayer for each of us is that we act out of who we are called to be. That when we look back on these days, we will know that we walked thru them with grace, and that we were able to rely on He who has loved us and called us according to His purpose. Take courage in the knowledge that He is more than enough for you, that He can sustain you thru every circumstance and that He holds you in the palm of his hand. His love is overwhelmingly abundant, and when we posture ourselves to receive all that He longs to pour into us, even in the worst of times, we will be able to proclaim in confidence all the more boldly the truth of His love to those who surround us. And when it’s all laid out in the open, isn’t that who we are to be? People of love and grace, and who can steward not just their resources, but their lives and stories, successes and failures, with others, so that thru relationship with us, others can see and know the power of Christ’s redemption and love? For He is good, and His mercy endures for ever. Our lives are our best form of worship, and so, even still, amidst whatever life circumstances you are facing, my challenge to you, and to me, is that you let your life be your statement of worship.

Random

I've had the HNIC theme song as my cell phone ring for several years, and now, it's no longer the song of HNIC. Any suggestions for a replacement? Or should I be a diehard to the old school and stick with it? You can download Oilers specific ringtones, but those are less classy than the old school HNIC theme song, conjuring up memories of Don Cherry and his rad outfits and Foster Hewitt proclaiming that it's Hockey Night in Canada time. My heart is sad.

I work in a church. I like it. I'm volunteering with youth again. I like it. Life is so pattern based, I keep reliving the same experiences in different places. Interesting.

I wrote off a car. It was possibly the most humbling experience of my life, even tho it was deemed no fault. I realized my own humanity in a terrifying and humbling way. It's good to be alive.

Lessons.

I suppose that if I am going to pray for humility, I ought to expect to have humbling experiences. Foolishly, I prayed for humility and grace, and of late have been, both literally and figuratively, broadsided by occasions in which I realized with great depth the struggle to act based upon who I am called to be as a disciple of Christ, and not out of my emotional resevoir.

So for now, I will work on convincing myself that battlewounds are attractive, and slather my seatbelt and airbag burns in aloe cream in the hopes that i don't end up with wicked scarring.

Sometimes realizing your own mortality is great. Great in the sense that being utterly humbled is great.

round up.

it's been a while you could say.
i was at camp for 5 weeks. the weeks were good, the relationships rich, and the sunshine warm. all in all, it was good for my soul, and for my mind.
the outcome is this, i'm no longer a student of a formal institution, i'm working for a church here in Edmonton, ministry support stuff, aka i'm an executive assistant. pretty much it rocks, it pays well (ya Alliance churches), the people are enjoyable, and the work is both challenging and rewarding. plus, my direct supervisor is a basketball freak, can't go wrong with that.
this is succinct, but i dont really know how much of my heart to lay on the line is such a medium as this, suffice it to say life is hard, it throws some rough, rough curve balls, but in the end, i know WHO i am, and whom i serve, and that is always enough. God is God and I am not.

Ancient Words Ever True

I have a slightly odd passion, odd to the majority of those who surround me these days, at least. I'm passionate about the Bible, about people taking time every day to immerse themself in God's word, and about people reading the whole Bible in its entirety. It blows me away that this is a rare occurence, even in 'strong Christian communities', and it bothers me, deeply. I'm me, so it goes without saying that I'm incredibly far from perfect! I struggle to read my Bible with consistency, and as with anything, it's difficult to develop a habit that few people around you appear to be attempting to build as well. I'm incredibly thankful for those in my life who do exemplify a strong devotional foundation, their examples lead me to hunger for a deeper, more intimate connection with my Creator. Lately, I've had a burning desire to pass that along to those around me, and so, I challenge you to read the Bible every single day this month, if you don't already. Even if you just read what I've recently come to call the Proverb of the Day (there are 31), it's a good place to start, a good place to build from. In the fall, I'm getting a group togethr that will read thru the Bible in 6 months, and I'm trying to get it approved as a small group based out of the Sunday Evening church that I attend. If you want the materials I have for the 6monthplan let me know, or google it, there are a lot of them, also if you want to stay on track with my group when it starts, let me know.
My encouragement to you is this: Don't get discouraged because you have fallen behind, or have left off for a few days, God will take what we give Him and bless us for doing what we can, as we can. As we continue to be obedient to discipling ourselves to Him, He will continue to grow us deeper in Him, and build our foundation up. The more we take His admonishments to heart, the deeper our hunger for His wisdom will become. I believe those things to be true, and I hope you do too!
Friends, I like you. Thanks for being you.

PSA

i am going to vent now. I've been back in retail for a couple of months, I would just like to make a broad Public Service Announcement or two or two dozen, for all the random people who encounter this blog. Believe me, i have at least 10 stories for every statement i'm about to make. Many times per-day, I feel like asking an individual if they have ever gone shopping before, I'm telling you, when Don Cherry said 'common sense really isn't very common', he was spewing the most truthful words i've ever heard the man say. Anyways, here goes:
- if there are pens and tags in an area that carries bulk items, that's an indication that you need to bring the bin numbers with you to the till. not bringing these will result in you waiting while your cashier tracks down someone who can find them for you. this takes time.
- if you are in a hurry, taking a couple of seconds to ensure you have an item that has a barcode on it is a wise choice, otherwise, you will wait at the till while i get a sku from someone out on the floor. this takes time. this is not my fault, please don't yell at me.
- there is never, ever, ever an excuse for yelling at a cashier, or person on the floor. doing so, even if the individual is wrong, does not solve a single problem. i promise this to be true.
- cashiers do not set the prices. freaking out that an item is too expensive to a cashier solves nothing, absolutely nothing. if it's a chain store, go home and email the company. or at least state your case without yelling and swearing. please.
- let me just reiterate, there is no excuse for yelling at an employee. ever. why people think this solves anything is beyond me.
- if you are still shopping 10 minutes after a store is closed, you do not get to complain that there are not enough tills open. just be happy you weren't kicked out at close.
- this applies to albertans, alberta retail has an incredibly high turnover, and is very understaffed, this is not the fault of the people who do happen to work in retail. please do not swear at me because it took ten minutes for your stuff to get fork-lifted down, or that you had to wait in a line to pay for it. i showed up for work, it's not my fault that other people didn't. this is alberta people, alberta. we are so desperate for employees that we are flying people into fort mcmurray from everywhere we possibly can, obviously jobs making barely a third or less of what those jobs make are understaffed.
- when you swear at people, you look more foolish than they do.
- making innappropriate sexual references to a cashier at a hardware store is beyond unnecessary. we wear freaking vests that are massive for goodness sakes, we are not there to put up with your lack of self control, lets try to realize this, shall we?
- it is not my job to walk you to every item in a store, i am a cashier, this means i work at a till. do you ask your Safeway cashier to take you to the milk when there are a half dozen people in line behind you?
- if i ask you twice, but you ignored me, then you get mad at me for not bagging your stuff/taking your airmiles or what have you, please get over yourself.
- when the debit machines are down, no amount of yelling or swearing will bring them back. i promise. and if you think its an inconveniece for you, imagine how much i simply love telling people whose immediate response is to erupt unnecessarially at me.
- if you yell at me and i laugh at you, get over yourself. be glad i have a sense of humour and don't yell back. jobs like this are a dime a dozen in alberta, and i'm not going to be your personal venting outlet when i can walk next door and get the exact same job on the spot. thanks.
- if you complain that there are no carts in the store, and then complain that there are not enough cashiers because one of us is outside gathering the carts, then proceed to leave you cart in the middle of the parking lot, you are a fool.
- if you can't be bothered to extend the courtesy of passing your money/bank card etc to me, neither can i. so if you drop your money on my desk, i'll do the same with your change.
- acting like you are better than people gets you nowhere. you actually don't deserve more than the next guy, or a better deal than the next guy. get over yourself.
- yes i am a girl. yes i am capable of doing everything i do. yes i do know the difference between a 2x4 and a 2x6, spruce and pressure treated. and even tho i might be a farm kid, if i can lift it, and you are a healthy looking male, probably you should be able to too. standing there while i load your cart with twenty bags of concrete is ridiculous. and everybody but you knows it.
- its actually not my fault if your credit card is not approved. its either their's or yours, i'm a third party with no control. yelling at me solves nothing, if you are kind, i'll help you phone them to figure it out, if you yell and swear at me, you can kindly leave.
- if someone tells you you are out of line, you probably are. get over yourself.
- in closing, please realize that yelling, swearing, being rude in general, and making lewd remarks will not benefit you in life. being kind, correcting without attitude, and realizing that we are all human and all make mistakes will infact benefit you, and i will go out of my way to help you whenever i can.

man, i do love alberta. but seriously, people have serious egos in this city. and i swear, the next guy who yells at me just might get to see some of the irish and scottish that are in me. i'm kind to a fault most of the time, but seriously people, i am not okay with you standing there and yelling at me. if i was YOUR daughter, how would you like it if someone stood there and did the same to her? wow. so unnecessary i'm telling you.
i can't wait for camp.

abstract

- i touched a frying pan today, it hurts alot. but the sandwhich i grilled was delightful.
- i'm going bowling in alberta tonight. on purpose. well, perhaps i won't bowl, but i'll be at Gateway Lanes just the same. i don't get the love of bowling. the last time i went bowling in alberta i had just gotten my tattoo. i feel so old now.
- lately i've felt impulsive, like wanting to chop my hair off impulsive. yikes.
- this summer i am spending 5 full weeks at Pigeon Lake, on camp staff. it's been a long time since i've done that, and it will be the first time i will do it with my very own car, which excites me. the freedom to not be 'stuck' at camp on my days off is exciting.
- work is not fun when everyone in management is quitting. in fact, it turns into alot of drama, the really bad kind of drama. i cant wait to quit and go to the lake for 5 weeks.
- reading a proverb-a-day has been good for me this month. i think i'll do it next month too. it's a good addition to whatever guided or unguided Bible study i'm doing. i like it.
- in line with the impulsive-ness, i really want another tattoo.
- the weather is very 'alberta' of late, rainy and sunny each day. not one or the other, rather its both in incriments. ha.
- my poor jeep desperately needs a cleaning. perhaps i should be doing that rather than this, since i leave for small group and bowling in under an hour...
ciao.

beauty is fleeting

life is good. God is good.
even when things are hard, those things remain true. i've been falling in love with God in a way that is as old as time, but is new and exciting in my life. it's crazy, and every minute is thrilling and unbelievable, and is reaffirming the foundation of my life, it's an unreal ride, and i'm loving every minute of it.
i don't have many good stories, the weather has been lousy, and thus work has been dead. i'm at the lumber desk most of the time, so i've been flatstacking alot of 2x4's of various lengths, and making some interesting accquaintances.
submitting to the will of God is always a journey of challenge, self discovery and so much more. but it's exciting, it's a journey well worth embarking on.
i dont have anything of great intelligence to say, but these are the things of my life...

patience is a virtue

i don't have wireless right now. so i've been removed from most all forms of internet, tho i do infrequently check my facebook on my phone. just in case something crazy happens, i guess.
i'm learning anew the virtue of patience, of waiting on God's timing, of being gracious and slow to anger. it's not always easy, it's not easy very often at all, in fact. i'm learning alot about God these days, and about who He is calling me to be, where He is calling me to be, and all the details of those things. Life is crazy at 22, a kind of crazy i don't think i've known before, but i'm living in it, i'm claiming it, and i'm growing ever nearer to the heart of my creator thru it. and nothing, nothing, beats that.
so there's my update.
madlove.

singin' sweet home alberta all summer long...

yesterday i rode in a cattle drive for two of my closest alberta-friends. Cali and Eric were moving their cows 20 kms on horseback, and kindly requested that i ride with them, in total there were 12 wrangles herding the cattle for 20 kilometres. it was 30 degrees out yesterday, today i am red like a lobster, but man, i had pretty much the best may long weekend of all time! we took alot of breaks, considering that it was so darn hot, and we had a lot of cow/calf pairs in our herd. we crossed 2 highways, and only 1 driver got mad at us. we had several farmers stop and offer to hire us to move their cows. and then when we got to the pasture, we camped out for the night, swam in the dug out, and had some good times.
it's day like these that make me oh-so-glad to be an alberta farm girl. even the white rein-lines on my burnt hands can not bring me down! and now i'm off to work.

Mystery and Majesty

and so i contemplate the mystery and the majesty of all that You have done for me...

there are days, too infrequent in my life, when I'm knocked to my knees, and once I'm there, all I can do is seek the heart of one who has given me life.
God is gracious beyond my comprehension, and the way in which He continues to seek me, even while I am seeking my own selfish endeavors, astounds me. It's hard, impossible in fact, to see myself as God sees me, to hold in balance my gifts and talents and shortcomings and failures and sins and gifts with any sense of objectivity. I'm underwhelmed by the positive and overwhelmed by the negative. But He, He sees it all, and still chooses to love me, to desire my servanthood, to use me in His work, and that blows me away. How He is somehow able to to portray His love and grace thru the broken vessle that I am is something I'm having difficulty reconciling, it's certainly humbling, and at the same time, exhilirating.
I don't know what the point of this rambling is, but I'm excited. I'm excited about God and the work He is doing around me, and sometimes, somehow, thru me. There is something about the potential in life, the grace I have been extended, that makes me want to bask in the love of my maker, but then quickly send that out to others. I love ministry.

an inch and a half

so, i'm a how-to-person. yep, i work at RONA.
i've had 1 8.5-hour shift, and i'm already being fast tracked as a headcashier and have been offered to advance to 2 departments, offered the position of personal assistant to the manager and been told that i'll be moving to contractor sales as soon as cash has more staff. it's good to be friendly and useful, i'm learning evermore.
i'm pretty sure that, once again, this is going to be a job that has daily stories rich in humour, especially if the dirtyoldmen are all as bold as the ones i met today. my favorite day1 story is as follows (Gav, i'm so writing this for your laughter.)
This old man is buying plywood, and the stickers are conveniently on the bottom of the stack of 10 sheets, so i measure the first sheet so i can look up the code, as i do so, i say aloud, as its easier for me to remember if i say something, ' an inch and a half' the old man, not skipping a beat, looks at me, and says 'little lady i'll show you an inch and a half...' oh man. i didn't know whether to laugh or run away in fear, so i shook my head, made some remark about having worked with welders so his humour was nothing new to me, and went on my merry way. and then, as i was musing on this story, i realized the incredible humour in what he said. an inch and a half, did he actually say that? oh man. i want that moment back. but then again, i'd rather have the job, so it's probably best i was tongue tied.

selfish

driving is cathartic for me. it has been that way for most of my life, i used to ride the bus over 3 hours each school day, and once i began driving, i drove almost an hour each way to get to school, work, church, etc. in this, i became a friend with silence, i knew the roads i traveled with an intimacy only those who drive the same long stretch for many years understand. and so, driving became the time of day i spent thinking and praying. i passed the same fields, the same houses, the same farm animals every day. and i loved the familiarity as much as i loved the hours of introspection each day granted.

i now live in a world where school is 8 minutes from home, church is barely 15 and work is in my house or 20 minutes away. i miss the cathartic driving experiences, the way that the hay bales and fields full of cattle lulled me into deep thought. thus, i've had to adjust to the visually and auditorially (i think i just created that word, deal with it) loud world i live in, and find my way to introspection here. it hasn't been easy, but it has been found, for which i'm greatful.

nevertheless, on days like today, i wish my teensy tiny little older-than-me red and rust colored suzuki forsca was still running, so we could travel those roads again, with some freshly brewed kickass in hand, and the catharsis could begin.

life is not easy, but it's sure as smack worthwhile. i wish i could see clearly the woman, the person, God is calling me to be, and embrace her, live into all she is created to be. but i'm not seeing her right now, i'm seeing the pieces that don't seem to fit, but can't seem to figure out what should be in their place. but more and more i'm feeling discontent with where i am and who i am and it scares me. i want to do this easy thing, the easy school, the easy life. but i don't think it's where i'm supposed to be, and that's not a pleasant feeling. and i have a sinking feeling that it's the life i keep avoiding coming back to stake it's claim on me once again, which i sincerely do not appreciate. i want to do the easy thing, not the right thing. i want to be selfish. and i don't want to go thru another change. but then i wonder, have i only gone thru so much change because i'm being disobedient and that's why i am always left, eventually, in a place of discontent?

if obedience didn't require sacrifice it wouldn't be worth it. but dang, i'm selfish.

things

i'm finally free of school, and the thoughts that are filling my head to day are entirely different, they are thoughts of the things i love and enjoy and thrive off of. and thus, i've decided to list a select few of them here for you to read, and i'm going to be honest about it too. this is the no-holds-barred list of things i love:
the scent of vanilla
vanilla earl grey tea mistos
throwback jerseys
cruel girl jeans
the feeling of a brand new hoodie
freshly shaved legs
cocoa butter lotion
hockey and football
my jeep
pickup trucks
horse back riding
bale tag
maple walnut icecream
black coffee
grey's anatomy
jewelry
reef flip flops
cute heels
finding cute shirts that actually fit well
two stepping
when people look me in the eyes
looking at and experiencing art
music
rockband
FGD
reading
feeling challenged and inspired
working thru the mac list my own way
eating breakfast out
lilies
my nose piercing
...
this is my list. you should make one too. it makes you feel good about life.

what i miss the most

i loved living in winnipeg. i am absolutely a farm girl, and i ache for the open fields and 4-legged companions i've always known. there are pieces of my heart spread all over the place, in different towns, in different churches and schools and on a certain lake in central AB. but more than anything, i miss Strathmore.
it's bizarre to be here, at 22, and wonder if the best job I will ever have has already ended. I absolutely loved my work for CBC, it so well suited my gifts, my passions, my heart. I loved conversing with people all over North America on a daily basis, I enjoyed the relationships I established with the students who were so much more than just a picture on my potential student board. We had a phenomenal team, even as it changed and evolved, i was humbled by those whose offices shared the same halls as mine, i was encouraged and loved and mentored daily. There was an encouragement to embrace the relationships i had established, and i was always having coffee with current students, or having them over to hang out in my basement. i had incredible roommates, and our house had the most fantastic kitchen i have ever known. it was a pleasure to bake in there! we had weekly CBC-I meetings, secretively titled 'economic summits' where we sat round with Rocky's Donuts and coffee and talked about our lives, and our ministry, and always closed in beautiful moments of corporate prayer. there was a great legacy to the ministry we were invested in, and there were always students interested in what we did and who we were. i miss my 'american accent', phone calls from Opal, understanding and relating so well to Shauna, having an office with a window seat, Jo's soups, coffee with the staff at 10 and hearing daily worship at 11am.
i know God has a plan and a purpose for my life, but for the last 13+ months, i've struggled with this. accepting the demise of CBC has long since happened for me, learning to maintain my relationships in a different way has slowly worked itself out, i'm happy and content in Edmonton. but there is an ache in me, an ache for that sense of purpose, of knowing that work i'm doing is important. but i am coming to see this as a good thing too, with it comes a drive not to settle for mediocrity, to discover venues where I am thru which i can be of benefit to Kingdom work.
even still, there are days, like today, when i wonder if the best job i will already have was the one that lasted for 16 months, and started a week after my 20th birthday. and, if it did, i am ever so incredibly blessed so have had those 16 months, to have shared my days with those people. And on days like to day, i'm glad for that emotional, and to be honest slightly awkward meeting at the final commencement, and the CBC board who presented us each resolutions. i will always carry inside of me that desire to be more, to do more, to work for and with a purpose, and for that i am deeply appreciative.
i know i'm convoluted. i imagine most of this doesnt make sense, but kristina said i suck for not updating, and this is what has been on my mind today, as i go about exam week, and study my hours away.

tonight

tonight i went quadding thru 4 different sections of field. and it was epic. the stars were bright, the ground was hard, the creeks were frozen. and it was glorious.
i love moments like that, in the midst of ridiculously busy weeks, to disappear to the middle of nowhere and let some energy loose in the middle of silence. it's lovely. we turned the engine off and sat up on a creek bank, just watching the stars. it's good to be reminded that the world is so much bigger than i allow it to be most days, and that there is much beauty around me, when i let myself notice it. outside is good for my soul. catwalking up hills is a good stress reliever.
yeah.

encounters

i love when my worlds collide. well, usually i love it.
last night i was headed to red deer, for an evening of twostepping with some of my girls, we stopped at sev-elev in leduc for some beaver-buzz, these energy drinks that we love. iknow energy drinks are the devil, but they have these grapefruit ones that are delightful. i digress. so as i'm paying at the counter, in my cowboy hat, with 3 other similarly dressed girls, in walks jonathan drebert. so with my energy drinks in hand, and dressed like the alberta farm girl i am, i proceed to have a conversation with jon about camp and his kids and then stop at the car to talk to tahra and see the sleeping babies. it was random, and crazy. but fun. fun to be two people i very much am at the exact same time, good to realize anew that who i am is congruent, generally speaking. and thats a pleasant realization.

just thinking...

so kyra's post really made me think. back when i used to blog over at xanga, and keep up with it alot more intentionally, i closed many blogs by saying '...may you find joy in face of day to day living...' i wish i lived into those words far better than i do.
there are many beautiful things in these days, but this is also a bizarre age to be. so many girls my age are getting married and having babies and buying homes, and being far more adult than i am. some days, that's frustrating. i'm in my parents basement, the only thing of value i own is a car, i can't seem to figure out dating, let alone fathom a relationship that will lead to marriage. and there are ZERO babies on my horizon for a long while to come. largely to do with the inability to even fathom marriage... haha. i can barely afford my car payments most month, let alone even consider a home. i feel like maybe i'm still stuck in my teenage years, like i should be more 'mature' than i am. and then i realize how much i cherish these days. i love the freedom to pick up and go wherever i want, whenever i want. i love that i can embrace these 'gypsy feet' that lead me hither and tither. i've met alot of great people this year in edmonton, and i'm enjoying building relationships with them. i love my church, and i'm enjoying school. these are good days, and i need to remember that more. i can't just live for tomorrow, and as a Disciple, i ought'n't live for tomorrow. i need to be living in these moments, living as I believe Jesus is calling me to live, to embrace my situation and circumstance and seek the ways that i can love and live and learn and laugh in each moment.
i do love these days, and i'm mostly denying myself a bounty of joy when i long for the days still to come. a healthy perspective of future is good, but living for the future is not. this is a good life stage. 22 is an age which i am greatly enjoying. my family is well and full of laughter. my friends are wonderful souls that are ever causing me to love them more. these are good days. and i want to look back on them fondly, knowing that i lived them the best i could, and gave to them all that i could. i can't ask more of myself than that.
so this is most likely incoherent, but it's what's floating 'round my head tonight, so since i'm procrastinating, you get to hear about it! lucky you...

and i'm off...

free from school for a week, i'm off to winnipeg, and points in between, for the next 5 days, then home to assist with leading the annual excursion from Strathmore to Edmonton that Hope Community Covenant takes around a hundred and some youth on, so that should be a solid 3 day experience of exhaustion following my Winnipeg adventure!
Manitoba is calling my name, and i'm eager to behold her beauty once again...

The Widman Family

Okay, having read this message on Bret's facebook, I find posting twice in one day quite acceptable... and the some. Anyways, here are Bret's words:

This past 6 days have been intense. We took Madeline in for a CT scan after she had been hit on the temple as a result of a Wii competition. Well, she got a bump that continued to swell for 4 weeks. The result showed a crack in her skull and we were told, "Take these CT results, pick up your girl, and get to an ER and ask for a neurosurgeon. That was last Wednesday. Well, after MRI's, bone xrays, and surgery, we have discovered that Madeline has something she was born with called histiosytosis. I'm sure I spelled that wrong, but whatever. Anyway, it's more rare than leukimia, but not life threatening. She had surgery and now has a nasty 6 inch long scar on her left side...we haven't counted the stitches yet. She will now need some treatment after this surgery and some chemo pills (easy ones, no serious stuff). Please, pray that the final outcome of all this is that Madeline is fine. The test results are good and the oncologist was elated the news was good. We just got this news an hour ago and are finally home after being in the hospital for 5 days. We're wiped out, have no energy, and are fairly numb. When she was wheeled into surgery, we felt our life sucked out of us. Please pass this on to others that know us. Pray for complete recovery and that the treatment she receives will be all she needs. Thanks

more random

i love that we all lead such varied lives, that we are all so unique, and yet that God can bind us together for his purpose and create beautiful community amongst us. this has always astounded me. perhaps it's because i'm slightly more 'weird' than many in the traditional evangelical circles i grew up in, perhaps it's because i worked at camp where i felt free to ask my questions and engage in theological debate from my early teenage years. whatever the combination of things that has lead me to where i stand today may be, i am incredibly greatful for it. just as i am ever so greatful for the people who have influenced my life this far, for better or for worse, they have helped to define the woman that i am becoming, and whom i am confident being.


i don't understand why people abuse emergency services. is it because we lack human contact so deeply that we must call for an ambulance in the middle of the night so that someone will take care of us? obviously, if you're sick or injured, it's legit, but wow, some of the reasons i have learned of people calling an ambulance are astounding to me. yet alongside of that, i have heard some of the most moving, some of the most graphic, some of the most beautiful, some of the most horrific; stories of mylife in the past month. i cannot fathom working in the emergency services, i could cry just hearing the stories, i can't imagine walking thru them with the actual people. so demanding, yet so rewarding. i have a renewed respect and admiration for all doctors and nurses and police officers and fire fighters and paramedics and whomever else...

i'll be in winnipeg sometime on the 16th, and since 80% of you who read this are in winnipeg, save a hug and a beer/dance/coffee/bowling game/sporting event for me.

i have other, deeper, posts formulating in my head, always, but for today, they'll remain where they are, and stir 'round some more. perhaps they'll bring me back here later, and i'll share some of them with you.

somedays

sometimes i move too fast. sometimes i move to slow. sometimes i don't move at all.
life is bizarre, isn't it? we are so odd, running here and there, doing this and that, eating and sleeping, laughing and crying. living.
i continually find myself surprised with... me.
it's an odd place to be. 22. in my parents basement. going to school. working. dating. experiencing life. with facebook to fill everyone in on my day-today-exploits. oy vey.
but it's good too. i'm enjoying life. i'm living and learning much. i laugh often.
who knew i'd come back to alberta and go on more dates in 8 months than i did in 21 years? yeesh. but it's always leading somewhere. and where i'm settled now is a good place. it's a new place, a funny place, with lots of questions and uncertainties. but, once its on facebook there's no taking it back. it's good, just fast, and now slow, which would have been a smarter starting speed, but as i said, i'm ever learning and living. and as all things are, dating is an extention of that fact. he is good, and brings many smiles to my days, and keeps me sane. and is meeting my parents on tuesday.
school is good. i laugh, because, as shauna has found, i love accounting class. who knew?!?! the girls i'm closest to at school and i are all together again this semester, so that's enjoyable.
family is rewarding, thru whatever each day brings, it's rewarding. i'll be an auntie again in a month! truly exciting.
music is beauty. winter is wondrous. i love my farm adventures as much as, and some days more than, ever. life is good. God is good. there is much joy to be found in the face of day to day living. much learning to be had in the presence of a child. much grace to be seen in the eyes of a friend. and love abundant in those around me. i am blessed.


good thing, because when i was 18 i had 'one who is blessed' tattooed, in hebrew, on my body.

School

I'm just sitting here, taking a few last moments of freedom before i once again become engulfed in the world of higher education. 2.5 weeks was a short break, it seems. It was a good break, and many, wonderful times were had.
It's unfortunate that at this point, school is more of a means to an end than it is anything else, in my life. That makes it difficult to drag my butt to school 5 days a weeks, and to sit in the classroom and actually engage in what is going on around me. Unless what's going on around me is side conversation! ha. So, this semester, I hope to become more excited about school as a process, and not just getting it over with. I want to also enjoy this moment, not just let it pass by without taking the time to appreciate it.
The Canadian girl in me is rejoicing. Canada won the world juniors. And I'm learning hockey! I've picked up the hockey skates this winter, after having been on figure skates since I could walk, and I haven't fallen once! and last night my friend scott to me out to an outdoor rink in spruce and we passed a puck around and shot and i learned some defence. It's pretty rad. I'm pretty excited. I need to find hockey gloves that fit, because holding the stick is awkward when the fingers on the gloves are a solid inch longer than your own fingers. Eventually, I'm sure I will fall, but it was good times, and we are going again tonight! Dude, hockey is sweet.

A Swift Kick to the Shins

A friend recently said "i think i'm quite destined to be a spinster" and my immediate response was "believe me, i would rather have zero boy drama in my life than frustrating, ridiculous boy drama."
the more i think about that, the more true it becomes. i remember being 'single and then some' (thanks gav). and i didn't so much mind that, most of the time.
my return to alberta has been shrouded in boy drama from the outset, in many varied, and ridiculous forms. and the drama is wearying. it makes me not want to put myself out there anymore. after a while, first dates get monotonous, and all you want is a second date. to meet someone you actually want to get to know. and then that happens. and then the boy turns out to have insane commitment issues and disappears off the face off the earth after 3 months. good times.
i'm not angry. i'd rather know 3 months in than a year in. but so now, 3 weeks after the end of that. i'm back in the first date world. and, truth be told, its not all its cracked up to be. i truly cannot in good conscience turn down a genuine date offer, from someone that is putting themself out there to ask me, and i don't think its fair that i do, without good reason. and so i go, but generally find that although the conversation may be enjoyable, that i'm not interested in that second date.
to everything there is a season. you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your prince. yada yada yada. i wish i found comfort in cliches, but i do not. what i do derive strength from is that the cliches are there because many girls have been where i am now, and have eventually found their way thru.
i guess there's not much of a point to this. but it's what's on my mind most these days. and its the holidays, which means many conversations with those who you don't see too often, and lots of 'so... any men in your life' questions. not my favorite question to answer, i'll tell you that. haha. but that's how she goes this day.
i'm ever so very glad for good guy friends in my life. especially ones that ask if i want them to go hunt down the disappearing-off-the-face-of-the-earth-boy and teach him a lesson. and the ones that talk to me when i need to hear a boys perspective and give really really really good hugs. somedays, you just really need a good boy hug, and it changes the whole course of your day.
i'm sure its just as frustrating to be a boy in the dating game. i wish our society embraced honesty, and that we could all just be vulnerable and open, and safe in doing so. but that's not how it is. and at 22, i'm not jaded enough to stop putting myself out there. plus, i like meeting new people and making new friends, if nothing else. but i'm ever so very glad for the friends i do have!