there are many snapshots of life that i miss, that my heart craves to live out once again. hoisting a fgd at carlos, walking down portage just to feel the burn of the cold in my lungs and stopping at the fyxx on my way, working in a daycare with children whose smiles brought me such immense joy. sharing a home with 2 crazy flames fans, sharing a home with girls who loved gilmore girls and greys anatomy just as much as i. attending a church where i was welcome to step in and volunteer in any capacity i so desired, small group with bruce, and occasionally the letkemans too. working at camp all summer, making italian sodas at the eco, eating fried food from street vendors in ecuador, holding babies in an orphanage, meeting infants in their first days outside of the womb. witnessing the weddings of dear friends, 8 months of community in a bizarre and lifechanging format, eating CBC lunches everyday for more days than most get to, answering my rona phone to love songs from the boys in the yard. hockey in rockyford, being the daughter of a rodeo cowboy, riding a horse daily, farm chores, riding the bus 3+ hours per day, visiting the city on rare occasions.
i love living life, the randomness that it entails, i love going with the flow, having no unrelenting ties to anyone place, being able to let my gypsy feet dance on the whims that come their way. but i'm growing older, i'm craving more stability, more assuredness that i am in a place that i can uphold on my own in life. i'm wanting to develop strong, lasting, deeply rooted relationships, to become the woman i want to be when i grow up, not just wait for her to arrive. i think it's a good thing to be coming to this place, but its also scary. i've lived a life of little permanence, until i bought a car, i had nothing permanent that tied me to a person or place or thing, but i am tied to my well loved jeep, financially bound in obligation to it, there are people who make me want to stay in one place, to continue to invest in relationship with them. it's terrifying to grow up, i'm realizing, but it's also beautiful. i'm glad for the life i've been so blessed to lead thus far, and i'm excited for all that is still coming.
never the less, its a strange life place to be.
4 comments:
I sent my resume to the peg today. And then I read all this permanence stuff and it makes me cry.
I don't know what i'm doing or if I'll ever be the person I want to be when I grow up.
way to go, Katie, you made Katie cry.
I'm wondering, Katie... How much of life really is "random?" If so much of life is random, does it detract from its significance?
Just thinking and word-playing. I guess that I think that's a word/concept ("randomness") that's become abused and may be polluting some understandings of the good realities in created life - a flawed post-modern understanding imposed on an ordered world that was formed by a brilliant God who has forknown all the goings-on of this crazy universe....
Sorry for being so philosophical. If it makes it any better, I'll admit right here and now that I'm not very smart.... :)
(Also, on an unrelated note - the word verification I just had to enter to post this comment was "unded." Now that's interesting....)
It makes me happy to read this post, because i can relate to almost every memory. Mostly, because i've been there through almost every one. "Just pin your heartbeat up against my heartbeat and you'll see how well we rhyme."
--k.
Post a Comment