this time of year is making me realize how much of myself falls short, and how little drive i have to really do a whole heck of a lot about it. i'm easily overwhelmed by how far i fall short of my delusional 'ideal woman', and so rather than figure out a more realistic 'ideal', and make life choices that direct me down that path, i tend to settle for lesser choices because they feel 'safe', which in the end isn't safe at all because there's little security in apathy ladden choices. i realize this sounds fairly over dramatic, and i don't mean all the time i'm walking around all 'woe is me, i'm bad at life', but i do long to be more, to do more, less and less i long to have more, which i think is a positive step. it's not that i dislike myself, generally, i think i'm an alright person, and i'm surrounded by phenomenal people in my life, on a variety of levels, but i still often feel that i fall quite short.
for example, i need sleep. i get sick when i lack sleep, i'd love to have more hours in a day to accomplish things, but if i with-hold sleep from myself for a few nights in a row, i'll quickly become too sick to function, and lose more productivity by getting sick than i would have by getting the sleep i need. this frustrates me, i'd rather have the time and not get sick, and i keep trying to convince myself i don't need 8 hours of sleep each night, but that always backfires.
and i'm atrocious at managing time, i continually underestimate the time needed to accomplish anything, which always sets me back, and i end up being obscenely late for things. i don't like being late, but it's become a habit that i can't seem to quite break free of.
and i don't want to become apathetic, but sometimes i'm overwhelmed by what i'm NOT and i forget to remember what i AM. and above all, what i am is loved. loved enough to make mis-steps, and mistakes in life, but to be encouraged to not drown in apathy, but to rather continue to pursue my own Pilgrim's Progress towards the Celestial City.
sometimes i just need a swift kick to the shins from life to make me remember that i am one among many, and that nothing i encounter in this life will be wholly unique to me, someone has walked this path before me. and i can overcome anything in this life, when i realize i can't overcome it alone, and when i'm willing to see what it is i need to overcome, and take the necessary steps to do so.
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i do so love Christmas. i love picking out gifts that i know people will enjoy/appreciate. i love the snow, the music, and the tastes. i love the trees in houses and the lights outside. i love the generosity of the season, and the excitement on children's faces. it's a great season, even when families are messy and in a time of financial turmoil, it's a beautiful season of hope, of love, of joy.
also, few things have ever made me love winter so much as satellite radio with a Christmas channel and heated seats to warm my tush when i get in the car. and it was such an easy, painfree trade, for even better mileage, a far more than fair buy out, and a sweet renogiation of payments over a shorter term, and a vehicle title in my own name. there are benefits to living in the only area to turn a profit in vehicle sales the last quarter.
anyways. this is my first update in over a month, and it's far too long, so i'll stop here.
ciao.
