it's Christmas time in the city.

this time of year is making me realize how much of myself falls short, and how little drive i have to really do a whole heck of a lot about it. i'm easily overwhelmed by how far i fall short of my delusional 'ideal woman', and so rather than figure out a more realistic 'ideal', and make life choices that direct me down that path, i tend to settle for lesser choices because they feel 'safe', which in the end isn't safe at all because there's little security in apathy ladden choices. i realize this sounds fairly over dramatic, and i don't mean all the time i'm walking around all 'woe is me, i'm bad at life', but i do long to be more, to do more, less and less i long to have more, which i think is a positive step. it's not that i dislike myself, generally, i think i'm an alright person, and i'm surrounded by phenomenal people in my life, on a variety of levels, but i still often feel that i fall quite short.
for example, i need sleep. i get sick when i lack sleep, i'd love to have more hours in a day to accomplish things, but if i with-hold sleep from myself for a few nights in a row, i'll quickly become too sick to function, and lose more productivity by getting sick than i would have by getting the sleep i need. this frustrates me, i'd rather have the time and not get sick, and i keep trying to convince myself i don't need 8 hours of sleep each night, but that always backfires.
and i'm atrocious at managing time, i continually underestimate the time needed to accomplish anything, which always sets me back, and i end up being obscenely late for things. i don't like being late, but it's become a habit that i can't seem to quite break free of.
and i don't want to become apathetic, but sometimes i'm overwhelmed by what i'm NOT and i forget to remember what i AM. and above all, what i am is loved. loved enough to make mis-steps, and mistakes in life, but to be encouraged to not drown in apathy, but to rather continue to pursue my own Pilgrim's Progress towards the Celestial City.
sometimes i just need a swift kick to the shins from life to make me remember that i am one among many, and that nothing i encounter in this life will be wholly unique to me, someone has walked this path before me. and i can overcome anything in this life, when i realize i can't overcome it alone, and when i'm willing to see what it is i need to overcome, and take the necessary steps to do so.
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i do so love Christmas. i love picking out gifts that i know people will enjoy/appreciate. i love the snow, the music, and the tastes. i love the trees in houses and the lights outside. i love the generosity of the season, and the excitement on children's faces. it's a great season, even when families are messy and in a time of financial turmoil, it's a beautiful season of hope, of love, of joy.

also, few things have ever made me love winter so much as satellite radio with a Christmas channel and heated seats to warm my tush when i get in the car. and it was such an easy, painfree trade, for even better mileage, a far more than fair buy out, and a sweet renogiation of payments over a shorter term, and a vehicle title in my own name. there are benefits to living in the only area to turn a profit in vehicle sales the last quarter.

anyways. this is my first update in over a month, and it's far too long, so i'll stop here.

ciao.

slowdancing and poetry

there are many snapshots of life that i miss, that my heart craves to live out once again. hoisting a fgd at carlos, walking down portage just to feel the burn of the cold in my lungs and stopping at the fyxx on my way, working in a daycare with children whose smiles brought me such immense joy. sharing a home with 2 crazy flames fans, sharing a home with girls who loved gilmore girls and greys anatomy just as much as i. attending a church where i was welcome to step in and volunteer in any capacity i so desired, small group with bruce, and occasionally the letkemans too. working at camp all summer, making italian sodas at the eco, eating fried food from street vendors in ecuador, holding babies in an orphanage, meeting infants in their first days outside of the womb. witnessing the weddings of dear friends, 8 months of community in a bizarre and lifechanging format, eating CBC lunches everyday for more days than most get to, answering my rona phone to love songs from the boys in the yard. hockey in rockyford, being the daughter of a rodeo cowboy, riding a horse daily, farm chores, riding the bus 3+ hours per day, visiting the city on rare occasions.
i love living life, the randomness that it entails, i love going with the flow, having no unrelenting ties to anyone place, being able to let my gypsy feet dance on the whims that come their way. but i'm growing older, i'm craving more stability, more assuredness that i am in a place that i can uphold on my own in life. i'm wanting to develop strong, lasting, deeply rooted relationships, to become the woman i want to be when i grow up, not just wait for her to arrive. i think it's a good thing to be coming to this place, but its also scary. i've lived a life of little permanence, until i bought a car, i had nothing permanent that tied me to a person or place or thing, but i am tied to my well loved jeep, financially bound in obligation to it, there are people who make me want to stay in one place, to continue to invest in relationship with them. it's terrifying to grow up, i'm realizing, but it's also beautiful. i'm glad for the life i've been so blessed to lead thus far, and i'm excited for all that is still coming.
never the less, its a strange life place to be.

i am

i am alot of things. i'm a girl, a girl who never uses capitals when writing colloquially, a student who never sticks with formal studies, a farm child who lives in the city. i'm the culmination of all my life experiences, the tragedies and moments of utter euphoria. we each are, there is a justification based on our life experiences for nearly every moment of our days, but that's a dignity i don't extend to other's as often as i ought.
if i hate driving in the city, because i have never known 'rush hour' before, and i despise it's reality in my life, what's to say that the aggressive driver to my right doesnt have an equally intrinsic reason for how he mans his vehicle? i am not picky to the point that i'm worse than a picky person, and i know it's annoying, but i can't seem to help it, but i'm the middle child of 5, i'm the peace maker, i hate conflict, so not having an opinion has always been safer. our personality and character are a direct result of our life experiences, its so simple, and i know it is true for me, so why, when i'm annoyed by another, do i not stop to wonder what caused this trait to take root in their life? the more i invest in another persons story, the more i understand why they are the way they are, the less the little nuances of their personality are an annoyance to me, they are a reminder to me that we are each created uniquely, that we are woven together with cords of different lengths and textures and colors. we may have encountered a similar spot in our individual stories, or even shared a corporate experience, but how that shaped us is not necessarily the same, how it has manifested itself in and thru us, may look incredibly different. i need to realize this, i need to allow this to take root in me, in my mind, in my heart.
if i expect others to not just take all of me at face value, there is absolutely no excuse for me to anticipate that others are less complex. we may be living a genuine life, but living a genuine life doesnt mean that we get to hand each individual we encounter a manuscript of our life story, so that they understand the motive and history behind our every action. this is clearly not a reality. this has been on my mind alot lately, if i claim to care about other people, if i claim to want to react to others in the manner that Jesus did, then i need to start to consciously realize that everyone has a story, a story that they almost certainly do not present in its entirety from the outset.
i am humbled by how incredibly short i fall, and yet i know that as i realize my shortcomings, He is rejoicing over me with His love, as i take the steps toward being more like the model of His son that i see presented to me. His grace astounds me. i pray it astounds you today as well.
i don't know if this makes any sense at all, but it's been on my heart alot lately, and thus it's fairly stream of conscience, muddled and the like, but i make no apologies. i'm introspective, self depreciating, yet selfish... aren't all 'bloggers'? ha.

I went to CBC

Since I went to CBC during the tenure of Todd Slechta, I often find myself thinking random Jewish thoughts, quoting rabbis throughout my day, and listing off Biblical Postures and Principles in a cultish manner. Good times.
One of those that I most frequently reiterate is 'To experience true joy, you must first know true sorrow'. I take a lot of liberties with this, I put many opposite life experiences in the places of joy/sorrow.
Life is hard. Some days, excruciatingly so. I don't know if I'm always up to the challenge of the hardships of life, sometimes they overwhelm me, and I am called to be a person of hope. I cannot fathom walking thru this life without knowing the hope that I do, there is despair and harm in every corner. You can do your best to shield you and yours from it, and so many times, you still won't win the battle, isn't that a despairing thought? Yet, what is bizarre is that tho in a heartbeat I would choose not to have experienced many moments of my life, I am glad for the ways they have shaped me. I'm glad that I'm not a bubble person, I've seen to much crap in life to be a bubble person, and I have a wide array of unchurched friends and family and acquaintances who I don't think I would be given such depth of relationship with if I were one who did not deeply and intimately know sorrow and fear and pain. So in that way, I deeply appreciate the crap of life, it gives you an authority to speak into other lives, not because you can one up them, but because you are a person of grace, or trying to be a person of grace, who can say, I empathize, I don’t sympathize, I empathize.
And in these days, I need to remember that. I need to remember that I am called to be a person of grace, and that even when life is crappy, I need to act out of who I am called to be, not how I feel. I am called to love, to forgive, to be gracious, and yet to crave Justice. The Sermon on the Mount speaks with authority of this, that there is an example of character, that if I choose to claim to follow Jesus Christ, I need to follow. For He has loved me, He has called me according to His purpose, and even when I feel as tho I am free falling thru life, He holds me in the palm of his hand, which is more hopeful than seeking to put a positive spin on a free fall by relating it to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. (Why do I say such random crap? Oh my.)
You see, my parents have been separated for 4 months. In living a life that has been thru some horrible stretches, I have staked my confidence in the fact that I come from a functional family unit. That has been stripped away, and I am utterly humbled by the realization that truly, my confidence must be in Christ alone. No matter how high the pedestal I place people on, I cannot source my confidence from their example, it must stem from Christ. So daily, my prayer is that I will act in each moment out of who He has called me to be, and not how I feel. I am first and foremost the child of the One who exemplifies grace and love and joy and peace, and so when I am lacking those things, I can turn to Him, and He alone will sustain me.
I am well aware I’m far from the only one who lives thru crap in their life, and we all have our own variations of crap in our lives. It looks different, it affects us differently, but when it comes down to it, my prayer for each of us is that we act out of who we are called to be. That when we look back on these days, we will know that we walked thru them with grace, and that we were able to rely on He who has loved us and called us according to His purpose. Take courage in the knowledge that He is more than enough for you, that He can sustain you thru every circumstance and that He holds you in the palm of his hand. His love is overwhelmingly abundant, and when we posture ourselves to receive all that He longs to pour into us, even in the worst of times, we will be able to proclaim in confidence all the more boldly the truth of His love to those who surround us. And when it’s all laid out in the open, isn’t that who we are to be? People of love and grace, and who can steward not just their resources, but their lives and stories, successes and failures, with others, so that thru relationship with us, others can see and know the power of Christ’s redemption and love? For He is good, and His mercy endures for ever. Our lives are our best form of worship, and so, even still, amidst whatever life circumstances you are facing, my challenge to you, and to me, is that you let your life be your statement of worship.

Random

I've had the HNIC theme song as my cell phone ring for several years, and now, it's no longer the song of HNIC. Any suggestions for a replacement? Or should I be a diehard to the old school and stick with it? You can download Oilers specific ringtones, but those are less classy than the old school HNIC theme song, conjuring up memories of Don Cherry and his rad outfits and Foster Hewitt proclaiming that it's Hockey Night in Canada time. My heart is sad.

I work in a church. I like it. I'm volunteering with youth again. I like it. Life is so pattern based, I keep reliving the same experiences in different places. Interesting.

I wrote off a car. It was possibly the most humbling experience of my life, even tho it was deemed no fault. I realized my own humanity in a terrifying and humbling way. It's good to be alive.

Lessons.

I suppose that if I am going to pray for humility, I ought to expect to have humbling experiences. Foolishly, I prayed for humility and grace, and of late have been, both literally and figuratively, broadsided by occasions in which I realized with great depth the struggle to act based upon who I am called to be as a disciple of Christ, and not out of my emotional resevoir.

So for now, I will work on convincing myself that battlewounds are attractive, and slather my seatbelt and airbag burns in aloe cream in the hopes that i don't end up with wicked scarring.

Sometimes realizing your own mortality is great. Great in the sense that being utterly humbled is great.

round up.

it's been a while you could say.
i was at camp for 5 weeks. the weeks were good, the relationships rich, and the sunshine warm. all in all, it was good for my soul, and for my mind.
the outcome is this, i'm no longer a student of a formal institution, i'm working for a church here in Edmonton, ministry support stuff, aka i'm an executive assistant. pretty much it rocks, it pays well (ya Alliance churches), the people are enjoyable, and the work is both challenging and rewarding. plus, my direct supervisor is a basketball freak, can't go wrong with that.
this is succinct, but i dont really know how much of my heart to lay on the line is such a medium as this, suffice it to say life is hard, it throws some rough, rough curve balls, but in the end, i know WHO i am, and whom i serve, and that is always enough. God is God and I am not.