selfish

driving is cathartic for me. it has been that way for most of my life, i used to ride the bus over 3 hours each school day, and once i began driving, i drove almost an hour each way to get to school, work, church, etc. in this, i became a friend with silence, i knew the roads i traveled with an intimacy only those who drive the same long stretch for many years understand. and so, driving became the time of day i spent thinking and praying. i passed the same fields, the same houses, the same farm animals every day. and i loved the familiarity as much as i loved the hours of introspection each day granted.

i now live in a world where school is 8 minutes from home, church is barely 15 and work is in my house or 20 minutes away. i miss the cathartic driving experiences, the way that the hay bales and fields full of cattle lulled me into deep thought. thus, i've had to adjust to the visually and auditorially (i think i just created that word, deal with it) loud world i live in, and find my way to introspection here. it hasn't been easy, but it has been found, for which i'm greatful.

nevertheless, on days like today, i wish my teensy tiny little older-than-me red and rust colored suzuki forsca was still running, so we could travel those roads again, with some freshly brewed kickass in hand, and the catharsis could begin.

life is not easy, but it's sure as smack worthwhile. i wish i could see clearly the woman, the person, God is calling me to be, and embrace her, live into all she is created to be. but i'm not seeing her right now, i'm seeing the pieces that don't seem to fit, but can't seem to figure out what should be in their place. but more and more i'm feeling discontent with where i am and who i am and it scares me. i want to do this easy thing, the easy school, the easy life. but i don't think it's where i'm supposed to be, and that's not a pleasant feeling. and i have a sinking feeling that it's the life i keep avoiding coming back to stake it's claim on me once again, which i sincerely do not appreciate. i want to do the easy thing, not the right thing. i want to be selfish. and i don't want to go thru another change. but then i wonder, have i only gone thru so much change because i'm being disobedient and that's why i am always left, eventually, in a place of discontent?

if obedience didn't require sacrifice it wouldn't be worth it. but dang, i'm selfish.